I miss knowing what my friend had for lunch. What she was going to wear to the party on Friday. How things were developing with her crush.
Basically, I miss what friendship was like in our teens.
Back when we knew the minutia of our friends’ lives so much it felt like we were living it along with them. Because we were.
And while I’m grateful for the group texts, zoom happy hours, coffee meetups and walks I share with my friends these days, things just don’t feel as intertwined. Because they aren’t.
We’re all busy — with a million different responsibilities but no longer with the same shared things day in and day out. And so when we do finally get together, after inevitably rescheduling half a dozen times, we spend our time catching up and looking back. And this is good, and necessary. But sometimes I resent that it’s necessary. I want to already be caught up, already in it, so we can be present in making new memories together now.
As I move through my forties, I’m learning I need fewer friendships but deeper connections. No one has the time nor the energy for anything fake, forced or unfulfilling. But I do want to carve out space for the women who mean the most to me.
Here’s what I might try:
More frequent but low-pressure meet-ups.
I’ve really been thinking about this and instead of texting “Hey, let’s get together. What works best for everyone?” and then losing weeks to comparing schedules, I want to start saying, “Want to swing by my house this Thursday after work? I’ll have snacks and drinks.” And — here’s the key — then extending another invitation the next month, maybe with a different day and location in mind. If we keep the invites coming regularly, it’s not a big deal if someone can’t make it one day.
Come-along invitations.
I love it when a friend asks me to join her, whether it’s to see a play or go to the dog park or run an errand. I want to be better about this, asking a friend to come check out that new coffee shop or watch the new Bridgerton episode. Even quick bouts of togetherness can be meaningful.
Asking for help.
I know, I know, this can feel hard. But how many of us would turn down or judge a friend who asks for something she needs? One of my girlfriends is an amazing gardener, and there are a few times a year when she really needs some extra hands, and it’s so cool to see her friends show up. Everyone has fun and feels good about making a difference in a way that matters to her.
Home hosting.
Is it just me or is leaving the house tough these days? Let’s keep things simple and cozy and just invite our friends over to hang out at home. If that means friends showing up in sweatpants, great! It’ll be like a sleepover, except everyone is home and in their own beds by 9 p.m. The dream!
The girls trip.
Okay, this is a bigger one but it’s so worth it. Last summer, my oldest group of girlfriends gathered in a big city for a weekend. We went to beautiful restaurants, strolled the streets, lingered over coffee, visited museums, sipped drinks at rooftop bars and chatted in the hotel room like teenagers again. We’re already planning a second trip for this summer.
Checking in and following up.
Even if I don’t see my friends as much as I’d like, it doesn’t mean I can’t keep up on what’s going on in their lives. If a friend mentions she has a big work meeting next Tuesday, I can text her good luck in the morning or call her that night to see how it went. We can still show up in small ways for one another.
Bottom line, if we want to prioritize our friendships, while also living our full and frenzied real lives, we can. It won’t look like wearing matching best friends necklaces or hogging the landline chatting all night anymore, but it will still be special. Because it’s us.
Katie Vaughn is a writer and artist from Madison, Wisconsin. With degrees from UW–Madison and Stanford, Katie has worked as a writer, editor and blogger for magazines, newspapers and online publications, and especially loves writing about art, travel, homes and people. When not writing or painting, Katie is most likely walking with her dog, embarrassing her tweens or talking her husband into another trip.
